Influencer: Big Men Edition - Benjamin Koll
Benjamin Koll is a trailblazing artist whose journey through music, art, and self-expression defies convention. From his beginnings as a DJ in the 1980s to crafting soul-infused, house, and funk tracks as an independent musician, Koll's story is one of passion and resilience. Albums like 8 Days in a Bear’s Life showcase his dedication to authentic artistry, while his bold embrace of body positivity and his identity as a gay bear add depth to his creative narrative. Koll's innovative use of platforms like Patreon and OnlyFans has allowed him to connect with fans worldwide, blending music with visual storytelling and deeply personal content.
Amid challenges like health struggles and industry changes, Koll's unwavering commitment to honesty and reinvention continues to inspire. Whether through soulful songwriting, evocative visuals, or his vibrant online community, Koll embodies the transformative power of creativity. With new music and ambitious projects on the horizon, he reminds us that artistry is about embracing life’s complexities and turning them into something extraordinary.
I always wanted to do music. My grandma used to tell me I asked for a piano before I could even talk. Music was like a calling. But we lived in a small town when I was little, and access to proper music education was expensive and too far. The village’s music band director saw my feistiness and accepted me into their music theory program when I was 5 or 6 years old. I learned to write and read musical notation, but by the time I was ready to learn an instrument, they just could offer me things like oboe or trumpet.
I wanted piano, so I quit. But I kept listening to music and falling in love with artists and groups like Fleetwood Mac, Michael Jackson, Kraftwerk, or ABBA. Then when I was around 14, I discovered DJing. I started by just playing my favorite songs in pubs for friends but caught the eye of a senior DJ who offered me a spot in a local club.
I just had to learn how to properly mix vinyl in sync and look the part. It took me around two months in the summer, and in September 1983, I started working the weekends at the place and fell in love with DJing. I also started working on the radio and had my show running at the same time those years until 1990 when I decided to quit all that and focus on learning how to produce and record my own music. Four years later, I released my first single, and my career took off from there.
I love studio work, and I’ve always been fascinated by synthesizers and music programming. So very early on, I studied Jean Michel Jarre’s first albums, Mike Oldfield, Kraftwerk, The Bee Gees, Quincy Jones, Maurice White, and more by watching documentaries of their record sessions. There were great documentaries about that when I was 11 to 15 years old, and I memorized every one of them, knowing someday I’ll be reproducing those techniques.
And when I started working in a recording studio (for films and ADR), I had a blast trying to imitate all that with what I had at hand. I studied several types of instruments, and although my main thing is keyboards, I also learnt percussion, programming, and basic notions of guitar, bass, and violin. I needed to know how those instruments worked to accurately program them. Many musicians and bands influenced me at that time: Prince, Jimmy Jam & Terry Lewis, Shalamar, RoxyMusic, ELO, Supertramp, David Bowie, Cameo, the list is endless and very varied.
The fun part about it is I don’t think of music in Spanish. From the beginning, it was always in English (all my notes are in English), and that’s because my music upbringing was all surrounded by English culture. It was in the middle of my music production career that I had to work with Spanish music and learn to understand it. But my approach was always more like North European, more technical.
Then when I released my first album as Benjamin Koll and it went well, I remembered I had written “Te Quiero Junto A Mi” and I didn’t like what the artist that first recorded it had done with it, so I tried to make it work in my newfound self-confidence as a singer. It was a fun experience trying to match the feel I was able to put on the other songs in this one, and nowadays, although it’s not my objective, if I get inspired, I will do a song in Spanish. In fact, the next album has a new one I wrote shortly after finishing my previous album, and I love it. It’s one of those I have on repeat all day.
I think they all deserve a video! Haha, but since I’m the one doing everything in them and they take me a lot of time, I have to prioritize. Then there are limitations like money (some ideas can be too expensive and you need to be able to recoup at least part of your investment), space (I want to collaborate with guys that usually are too far away), and health, which has been an issue the past three years and more so this one with my cancer diagnosis, surgeries, and now chemotherapy.
But I try to make all of them happen, no matter when; in fact, I have just released “Turn Back The Clock”, a music video for a song from my second album, that has been a long time in the making, and the official video for “It’s Christmas Eve” that I couldn’t finish last year because of health issues as well. So it’s never too late; I keep working on them and they’re ready when they’re ready.
At that time, I felt I needed that rush. I had been so busy creating all kinds of content since "Osito" (the previous album) that I felt I was getting a little lost in my songwriting. So, not more than a month after the release of "Osito", after watching a documentary about the recording of "Saturday Night Fever" and talking with a friend, I had an idea. Why not go back to the old days when we used to go away to write and record the albums? I had done that twice in my life in the good old days, and although it was expensive, the albums turned out to be million-sellers, maybe because you just focused on creating them.
I knew I wasn't going to make a multi-million seller on my own, but I thought it would be nice to put myself to the test, so I booked a little villa with a swimming pool outside the city for 8 days and locked myself in there with my studio, my husband (who needed a break) and a good friend who took care of the cooking and transportation. My plan was to write and demo one song a day, but I ended up writing and outlining 11 songs that make up the album "8 Days In A Bear's Life". And here's a funny thing about the order: all the songs are in the same order they were written, except for "Traitor," which I wrote last, but swapped with "Can I Be Loved" for the final order.
Click image to check out Benjamin Koll’s album “8 Days In A Bear’s Life.”
8 Days In A Bear’s Life (Single) - Big, Better, Love
That I try to be very honest with what I do, that there's nothing I wouldn't do to get my voice right or get those piano lines the way I thought they should be (I get naked, I get in a tuxedo, I get turned on, I get frustrated, I laugh, I cry, it's a liberating experience). I was used to being a producer, directing others, and that's easier than doing it all yourself. But that's also the challenge, the fun part of this era in my life. For better or worse, it's all me. You may or may not like it, but I try to make everything I put out there a song I want to listen to again and again. One of the things that bothers me the most about my previous career is that even though it was extremely successful, there are very few songs from that time that I can listen to now. They were made for other artists. I needed to do this for myself so that one day I could walk away proudly knowing that I did my part.
I'm not a businessman, haha, I've always been terrible with the business side of my artistic work. I had to have business partners, managers and people to take care of it and it was mostly a disaster because I should have been able to retire at 42 with a castle and a boat but instead I ended up losing all the money I made three times in my life (usually after a very successful album). Some of those big companies still owe me a lot of money in royalties, but there's no easy way to get it, they know I can't afford to sue them, so they just hold on to it. But that's in the past, I'm just telling you this in case anyone finds it useful, but what I'm really proud of today is that since I released "Songs For A Better Future" I've discovered a wonderful audience waiting for me.
People from all over the world have connected with what I was trying to say in the music, videos and books, and that's something I'm grateful for every morning that I had the chance to experience. It gives your life meaning. Musically, I'm trying to get better at what I do every day, studying, trying new things, but also staying true to my purpose of making songs I love and not pursuing the mainstream. I'm working hard to find a voice in my lyrics and I think I'm getting to a very nice place with the new songs that make up the next album.
The lyrics feel more real, more personal and true, but also funny at times. I'm also training my voice to achieve more subtlety and different sounds. It's a daily challenge and I'm happy that the lung surgery and chemo hasn't affected it, that was a big worry last summer. Personally? Like I said, I feel blessed, humbled and thankful for the opportunity to keep doing this at my age and make enough money to live off of it. It's like a reward for so many years of hard work.
The biggest challenge is how to survive when you realize that things have changed and you can no longer expect to make all your money from selling music or streaming. You have to do a lot more things. In my case, I do my own video production (video editing is one of my long-time hobbies), 90% of my artwork and photography, and 100% of my music, unless credited (sometimes you need a guitarist to get the right feel, or a collaboration to spice things up). I used to get money from CD sales, book sales and merchandising as well as digital downloads & streaming (that's only 20%, they pay peanuts) and YouTube, but that all changed in 2020 with the pandemic.
All sales dropped drastically and while I was broadcasting daily on YouTube, fans convinced men to open a Patreon page, something I could never have imagined doing (remember my perception of the music industry was formed in the early nineties, asking fans for money was in bad taste, you had to make hits or at least release records, that was your bread and butter). But I opened it and all of a sudden it turned out to be a great idea because not only did I get a regular monthly income, but I was able to have a closer relationship with my followers and felt a liberating feeling I had never felt before, which made me start sharing more stuff, from demos to sexy photos I had never shown before (I have always used photography and artwork as inspiration), and that helped me evolve and become more confident with the message I wanted to put out there.
A year went by, I released "Once In A Lifetime" along with a book (available on Amazon) with twice as much nudity as the "All Systems Go" book (although that's changed now, I recently released a revised version of that book with lots of extras), and I was getting to a nice place when Patreon got bought by an ultra-catholic trust fund and made me take down 50% of my content that was deemed too sexual for the new owners of the platform. So in the blink of an eye (and with the help of my therapist, who gave me the key: you'll never have to worry about censorship again), I opened an Only Fans profile, and subscriptions doubled Patreon's, so I found the place where I could make enough money to pay for recordings, videos, and daily life. It's been a bumpy road as I've lost a lot of subscribers to piracy, but it's also been an eye-opening experience in many ways.
Nowadays, with all that's happening with my health and not being able to keep up the rhythm, I'm not sure how I'm going to manage, but I'm confident that with the release of the new album next year and having gotten rid of the cancer, things will get back on track. And on a positive note, Patreon is back and letting us creators do what we want, and in my case growing strongly again, which I'm happy about because I'm not sure I should stay on Only Fans much longer.
And don't forget Tom Goss! We did a Christmas song recently, it was very funny. I still have to finish the music video. I love working with Jose because he's my husband and a very talented DJ, musician and producer. We wrote "2 Become 1" the first time we got together in the studio as we built our own love story. Every song I've made with him is a part of our story together. I had been looking forward to working with Malleous for a long time. I love his voice and songwriting, but it took us a while to get together and finally work on the reworking of "Shine", which I love.
All that said, I'm not actively looking for collaborations, I have one in the works now, but it's slow burning. I want the albums to speak for themselves and I feel like I need to record a few more songs by myself before I start working with other artists again. Nowadays it will only happen if it makes sense, not just for the sake of it. And other artists? Many, it would be wonderful to experiment, to try different things once I get it all off my chest. Who knows? That's the fun part for me, just letting the future surprise you.
Well, the shooting of "Tell Me Why" with Jeremy Morse has been well documented by us on Youtube and on the blooper reels. This one was super fun, we met in person just 24 hours before and then we were in bed, naked, pretending to be lovers, it was crazy (believe it or not I'm a very shy person LOL). It was a special moment and the best part is that I found a friend for life in Jeremy.
The funny thing about this video is that it was shot before Youtube decided to start penalizing all gay content, so it was supposed to be a more explicit video (there are explicit versions on my Patreon, the original and a 2020 rework) about the need to keep using condoms...something I realized shortly after while watching the footage that I would never be able to show on Youtube. But it was worth it. I had a wardrobe malfunction at a concert on Halloween last year, I was wearing a heavy leather kilt and halfway through the first song it fell to the floor.
Luckily I had decided to change into black underwear just minutes before the show, haha. All the videos have anecdotes. "Made In Heaven" was mostly shot naked and then covered with special effects, same with "Can I Be Loved", but in that case I had to go back and shoot a new version for Youtube because I was naked the whole time and Youtube wouldn't allow it (the "Adamite" version is on my Patreon). I always try to push the envelope a little bit (for my own parameters as a person). So there's always something.
A new album in 2025 that I'm working on right now that has some of my favorite songs ever. More music videos, more gigs. I want to rent a small theater and film a nice and full concert before I run out of energy, haha. Age is unforgiving, so I guess I'll be slowing down a bit. If this year and my battle with cancer has taught me anything, it's that I can't keep up the work rhythm I had, I need to slow down, but also in a way that I don't lose income, so it's time to find a balance. I'm going to try, but I also want to keep writing songs, and when I get tired of that, I want to do a big collaborative album, something special. Let's hope we can do it.
Benjamin Photo Gallery
(These photos are the property of Benjamin Koll on Patreon. To see more of this gorgeous bear and his other wonderful work, click over to Patreon.)
Patreon came first. I never thought I would open one, but when the pandemic hit in 2020, all of my sales and income at home dropped off tremendously. Up until then I had been selling CDs and merch and doing gigs, but that all stopped and it was my fans who suggested I open one during the live broadcasts I was doing on YouTube at the time. I did, and to my surprise I had a lot of subscribers, enough to pay for basic things at home, so I started exploring and sharing things, from a novel, demos, DJ sets, uncensored music videos, to sexy pictures I had in my vault, and much more.
Photography and artwork are a very important part of my inspiration, and for me music is very connected to erotica, so I started sharing that type of content as well, also feeling more free to create new following subscriber requests, which started a playful new side of my relationship with them. All this evolved until one day it was cut short by a change in management at Patreon (which thankfully is over now) that forced me to remove most of my content there and open an Only Fans, something I had also said I would never do (never say never!), mainly because I never saw myself as a porn actor, and also because although I'm an artist, I'm not so much an exhibitionist, everything I do is or always has been related to my creation process.
But then Only Fans presented a new exciting challenge, both personally and professionally, and I jumped in and had a lot of fun exploring and doing a lot of things for the first time in my life (and in front of a camera). I learned a lot about myself, for the first time not having to worry about censorship. Other problems arose, though, piracy and content theft really got to me, I even had people trying to blackmail me on X and Telegram, threatening to post all my stuff there... to be honest, I've been looking for a way out of Only Fans for a while now. The good thing is that Patreon is reactivated and I feel safer there. So let's see how it goes.
Click image to check out Benjamin’s Onlyfans
Click image to check out Benjamin’s Patreon
It has been eye opening and often very inspiring. My whole "Osito" album is inspired by conversations and things that happened there. For example, my song "Shockwave" is secretly about a dildo you can control from your phone haha. And more songs have references to different moments that year at Only Fans, if you were there you know. It was really fun for a while. Nowadays it's harder for me to create content because of what I'm going through health-wise, but I still manage to post almost every day and it's always exciting to see the reactions and read the comments and messages, it's always inspiring.
Click image to get more information about Benjamin Koll's album “OSITO.”
It takes a lot of work, but that's part of what I do, and I try to make it fun and playful, not only for my followers, but for myself. But consistency is easy for me because I'm just being myself. My only rule is that everything I post has to make sense in the moment and be honest. I think the consistency comes when you're not trying to sell something or be something you're not. At least in my case, I think what works for me is to post in response to how I feel every day.
I'm not always completely transparent with those feelings (I'm only human, and sometimes you need time to process things), but I try to give followers and myself clues to that ongoing creative process. You learn a little bit every day how to communicate and how to be more open and in touch with your feelings, even with yourself. I've always used humor or things like that to avoid dealing with drama, but lately I've had to rethink that. When your life is at stake, humor can be useful, but there's also a lesson to be learned, and you have to stop and look more closely for the learning to take place.
I just try not to think about it, and since I released my first single in 2016, I'm trying to learn to enjoy it as well, to be playful. I just focus on my creation process and do what I feel I need to do in that moment to make that creation work. I have had many struggles with accepting my image over the years, but photography has helped me to see myself with different eyes. I'm more confident now because I know what I want to say (acting classes helped a lot too) and I think you can communicate not just with your voice but with everything you have.
That said, I don't feel any particular pleasure knowing that they see me, and I hate it when someone shares pictures online without tagging me or from subscriber pages. I don't want my nudes out in the open, mostly out of respect for my family. It may seem a bit contradictory, but as I said, I'm not an exhibitionist, I'm just a creator expressing myself in whatever way makes sense to get the message across. And that message is basically that age is irrelevant and that anybody can be beautiful, it all comes down to the way you look at it.
Star? Haha, I'm not sure about that. But I'd say the biggest lesson is that there are no limits, you set them for yourself. I never thought I'd try a dildo and it was super fun, I ended up buying a lot of them, in fact I'd say Only Fans helped me discover the pleasure of bottoming (I'd been a top most of my life by my partners demand).
I'm still looking for a prostate massager that works for me, and I'd love to do more collaborations, but I also discovered that I need to have some sort of emotional connection with the other person or it won't work for me. I found out that I'm not a porn actor, I'm not capable of that kind of emotional detachment.
But I tried. Once I opened the profile, I threw myself into it and didn't say no to anything until I realized where my real boundaries were, and I think that makes the experience more real and intense for me and my subscribers. I never pretend, everything you see is real.
It's usually connected, everything is part of the process I'm going through at that moment. I come up with an idea, maybe connected to another idea for a music video, or looking for exciting images for the books or artwork for the albums, and then we do photo shoots and video shoots. Then I start to divide up the results, some stuff goes to Patreon, some goes to Only Fans, and some goes to the vault or the concept folder for the next album.
I would also share demos, DJ sets and more artistic stuff on Patreon (Only Fans doesn't have the tools for that). And there are also times when it's more in the heat of the moment. You just go and take some pictures or videos and there's no creative intention behind it, just the fun of it. But I try not to second-guess myself and just do what I feel like doing every time, accompanied by a text that I write every day telling the subscribers what's going on and why I posted one thing or another. It's an ongoing dialog between me and them that I love.
I thought about it and tried hard to make it happen, but I found out that I'm just not that kind of guy, I need an emotional connection with every guy I go to bed with. If that's not the case, I feel a lot of remorse and bad about myself, and I don't need that in my life. And it's hard for me to find people to collaborate with (for sexy stuff and even music videos), not everyone I know is happy to be on Only Fans, and guys who want to be there are usually far away (why is the internet like that?).
Also, I'm not ready to go all porn and start sharing pieces of that content in the open as a marketing tool to get subscribers, I'm still there because I get funds to pay for things at home, for my cancer treatments (I'm an uninsured resident in a country that's not mine, you need money to pay for everything and it's a lot) and to be able to keep making music and music videos, so that's why I'm doing it and I know now that it would be very self-destructive for me to put myself in a place that I wouldn't be comfortable with just for the money.
As far as working with brands, I'm not very comfortable with the "influencer" culture. I get offers here and there, but usually not related to what I do. What I do is just support bear brands or big clothing brands that I find interesting. I buy their stuff, I never ask for anything, but if they want to send me something afterwards, that's great, I'll promote it my way, but no matter what they do, I'll promote them anyway if I really like their stuff. I think we need to support all the brands and creators in our little community and that starts with buying their stuff, that's how you make them strong and we need every single one of them.
Mm, that's a tough question. To be honest I don't really think in those terms haha I try not to overthink my daily sexy posts to subscribers and followers, I go with the flow, with what's on my mind that day and just share it, I rarely revisit the posts or see myself in them because I'm not always comfortable with my choices, but I am committed to being honest there so I don't edit too much. That's good, though, because I'm always surprised by the comments and messages and either learn something new about myself or get inspired by some of the ideas they throw at me.
For me, everything that happens on my subscriber pages is a performance, an artistic one, within the parameters set by other multimedia artists from 1910 to 1970. This way of thinking keeps me from feeling bad about myself, because I'm not always sure that being there was my best decision or that it's good for me.
Like I said, I had to rush into that space out of necessity, and while it can be fun (and I'm constantly learning to just have fun with it), there's also a lot of pressure and drama going on behind the scenes, mostly because of piracy and guys constantly trying to blackmail me or steal pictures or send me messages I'd rather never read. I would define myself more as a sensual person.
I love erotica and a good seduction game, but porn has never turned me on, makes sense? That said, and to put a smile on this, my fans can't get enough of my butt (and it surprises me, I used to have a nice one when I was younger, but age is unforgiving, at least in my eyes haha) and my dick, which is great because I love to be sucked LOL (who doesn't?).
I've never been to an orgy and I'd love to capture that on camera, either for a music video or a short film. I know how I want to capture the moment, the colors and the light... a place full of naked bears, their skin forming a sea of lustful bodies... but it's complicated, on the one hand I don't dare ask people to participate, on the other hand the logistics would be a nightmare. And then there's me trying not to overload myself with all the stimuli.
It's a fantasy haha, I don't know if I'll ever be able to realize it, with or without a camera. I would also like to do something with water, mixing underwater scenes with others. But again, it's complicated because I need a second camera that knows how to film big bodies (not easy to find, believe me) and people willing to appear in it, which is what I struggle with the most. I'm too shy and serious for this world, haha.
The alter ego is already there, it's Benjamin Koll, haha, and what he helps me bring to the table is the fantasy, the idea of being more daring, more sure of myself, more in charge. If you take it away from me, I'm just back to being a nerdy 11-year-old boy who's fascinated by a lot of things and in a hurry to get them all done. I don't have any fetishes, it's something I haven't really had to think about before, but Only Fans made me ask myself, I think I'm a very free person when it comes to sex, whatever I feel like in the moment is ok, it's always about the chemistry with the other person and what would feel pleasurable and comfortable in the moment.
Benjamin’s Photo Gallery
(These photos are the property of Benjamin Koll on Patreon. To see more of this gorgeous bear and his other wonderful work, click over to Patreon.)
I never really hid what I was into. I had a revelation when I was seven years old, I was on a nude beach in Ibiza and suddenly I was mesmerized by the sight of a chubby naked man coming out of the sea holding hands with a lady. I couldn't stop looking at him and fell in love with his aesthetic. I have been attracted to big guys ever since. Then, from 9 to maybe 13, I had a very fun sex life with friends my age, mostly exploring things together.
But then adolescence (and being sent to an Opus Dei college) hit me hard and I got confused. I even fell in love with two or three girls between the ages of 15 and 18. But I was still attracted to boys, and I told them from the beginning. We didn't talk about these things at home, but I'm sure they knew, I never pretended anything and brought home friends, either guys or girls, to whom I was really attracted at that time.
Then I fell in love with a guy, but our story was cut short by the sudden threat of AIDS in 1983, and I was in this platonic "relationship" for ten years, and didn't have sex again until I was 25, which gave me time to concentrate on learning music and working, haha. But all that time I never really talked about my sexuality, only when asked, and it wasn't something that bothered me.
Fast forward to 1996, when I had my first big music hit, I decided with my business partner that we would be out and proud from the beginning, and it was like that since our first interview, no fuzz, just be ourselves. But I still didn't talk about it openly with my family. The first time I had an open conversation with my parents about it was when my ex proposed and I said yes, I was maybe 47 at the time.
I felt I had to bring it up and invite them to the wedding. Everything went well, nothing happened, everything was business as usual, they weren't surprised at all. Sadly (or not) I met my real husband not much later and my ex and I split up (amicably) and I ended up marrying Jose. But everyone in my family knows and everything is good, it's not like we have a close relationship with them, but what's there is good.
I was starting to perform live more often before the cancer stopped me from traveling, and I would love to come back and explore that aspect of my career more once I recover. The last concert in Milwaukee, even though it was raining, was a beautiful experience, my first 45 minute concert singing live.
I'd like to challenge myself and hire a jazz band and do a mini-concert with them, videotape it. Something soulful, organic and sexy, I have been writing more soul R&B classic mid tempos and I think it would be great to have the chance to present them that way. I'm finally understanding why it's so much fun to perform live and I'd love to have the opportunity to fully experience it.
Oh that's easy, I'm so looking forward to my annual Disco Infurno party at Beefdip... even with chemo I'll be doing it in 2025, I wouldn't miss it for the world, I've been doing it for eight years now. It's the night I get to have a club to myself and play like it's 1983 again, all the disco classics, all the 80's hits, rarities and new bootleg mixes that I do myself with the original multitracks. It's a great night to remember, and it's always emotional and intense.
I know it's been good every time someone ends up crying on the dance floor and dancing in pure bliss, and I wouldn't change that moment for anything. And who do I want by my side? Jeremy Morse, dancing the night away and lighting up the room with his smile, and my husband on the other side, taking care of the visuals and the lasers, because no disco night is complete without a good old laser. We have four at home and always bring them to the party.
Heal and release his best album ever in 2025. Tour a bit, do some DJ gigs, make some new music videos, and maybe release a collaborative album the following year. And after that, when I turn 60, maybe slow things down a bit and find time to write again, maybe finish one of the two novels that are waiting for me to revisit them, and hopefully make some money to retire gracefully and gradually, slowly but happily.
It would be on a beach in Alicante, Spain, and all my friends from all over the world would be there, and I would introduce everyone and meet some of them in person for the first time, and hug and laugh, and then we would all eat paella and have ice cream for dessert, and spend the afternoon on a nude beach nearby just talking and enjoying the sunset. After that, a rooftop patio, drinks, good music, and more talking and frolicking. And who knows, maybe we would finally do that orgy haha
Special Thanks
Thank you, Benjamin, for sharing your inspiring journey with us for the Bears Network website. Your passion for authentic artistry, body positivity, and creative storytelling is truly remarkable. It was an honor to explore your work and hear your honest reflections on the challenges and triumphs you’ve faced.
